From today on I’ve lived more of my life without my dad than with him.
I can’t say that out loud, but I felt the need to mark it somehow. Eleven years has felt like a lifetime, I’ve become who I am without my dad, I don’t know who I’d be with him in my life.
Instead there’s just this hole, this hole that I have this relationship with but am always wondering about. The whole which I hate and wish it wasn’t there, yet I don’t know who I am without it.
Eleven years old and facing his death, knowing that my parents can just go, like that. That’s shaped everything onwards.
Each anniversary is different, but this one has had the longest lead up, the realisation that its been longer without than with crept up on me and firmly attached itself. Waiting for today to arrive.
Everything’s so different now, yet I can remember that night like it was yesterday. I know how to live with it, stay with it and feel it, but its never the same.
I’ll go on living with it, this relationship with this missing piece. Who knows where it’ll go with me?