Talking to God

Sometimes its a bit of a one sided relationship

Bearing my soul
Telling Him everything
Asking for help
Then leaving it all at His feet

Sometimes I feel that answer deep inside me

A whisper
A thought
But with more peace
More hope
More certainty

 

Its never the same
A new revelation
For a new situation

Father,
I know not what you have for me
I know not how you will talk to me
I know not when you’ll come to me
But father,
I believe that you are there for me

Ex-Fangirl

As a teenager, fangirl became one of my key identities, it probably took over my identity above most other things.For years its who I was. I was obsessed with a theatre company called StarKid and I loved it.

Being a fangirl was one of the easiest things to be. It wasn’t really a concious decision, it just happened. It came with a community as well. Most, if not all, of my best friends at school were fangirls as well. We all had different obsessions but we understood each other’s passion for a group of people who we idolised and completely adored. I think that’s what made us friends a lot of the time. Being a fangirl made me who I am and gave me some of the best experiences I’ve ever had, meeting incredible new friends and having amazing experiences.

Coming out of that time of my life was weird. I think I’ve only recently accepted that the term fangirl doesn’t really apply to me any more. My obsession trailed off so gradually I barely noticed it until someone else pointed it out. It wasn’t until my boyfriend at the time told me that I wasn’t really a fangirl any more that I realised. I remember getting very defensive because it felt like my whole identity was being challenged.

I now accept that I’ve moved away from that time in my life. I still love the theatre company a lot, they made me who I am in so many ways. I think part of it is that I’ve grown up a bit and am now able to see the people in the company as people a bit more. Seeing someone from one of their musicals discussing sex in a youtube video felt almost like seeing a parent discussing sex because in so many ways they were who I grew up with. Now though I’m able to differentiate a bit more, I can enjoy their work without it taking over my life.

Learning how to be me without so many things that I relied upon during the years between 16 and 18 is something I’ve been learning recently. My identity is now a bit up in the air. I’m learning to be okay with that. In some ways, my faith replaced some of my obsession, maybe it was all me looking for a bigger purpose in life. Fangirl is something that I’ll always identify with, although it’s now more of a part of what made me who I am, rather than who I am and thats good.

Memory of the future

 

I was going to be a writer
I was going to be a singer
I was going to be a teacher
I was going to be a social worker
I am going to be an occupational therapist

I was going to be with a celebrity
I was going to find someone soon
I was going to be with that guy forever
I was going to be alone
I am still searching

I was going to stay in one place
I was going to move away forever
I was going to stay where I’ve always known
I was going to move to a new city
I am going to live in different places

I was going to have it all figured out
I was going to be fine not knowing
I was waiting to know
I am aware that I won’t always know

I was going to be normal
I was going to be secular
I was going to explore other faiths
I was going to be a quaker
I am a Christian

I feel the people I could have been inside of me
I know that I am going to be something new
I wonder what will end up being a memory
What will end up being a part of me

Forever father

After I became a Christian I heard a lot about how God was my father, he loved me more than anyone and I had been adopted into a new family. I found this very comforting, but also a little uncomfortable. I felt weird about the idea that I had a greater father and family than I’d had before because I love my earthly family very much. Its something that is so wonderful and confusing about becoming a Christian.

I was happy to be finding my feet in my new found faith and developing in Christ so it didn’t bother me that much for the first year or so. It was always in the back of my mind though. Personally, I guess it was a little bit more complicated than with some other people. My earthly dad died when I was 11 and so I missed out on a lot of the father daughter relationship. Its something that affects a lot of my life and I’m constantly dealing with but, at this point, is something I’m pretty used it. So in terms of my relationship with God, having a new father was coming into a new type of relationship, finding a father after so many years of that gap.

However, in my experience, when I loose someone, I know they cannot be directly replaced, and I don’t want them to be. My relationship with someone is unique and when thats gone I know it won’t happen again. I felt uncomfortable when my grandparents died and I was told by a kind, elderly neighbour that they could be my adopted grandma. I don’t feel like I want a replacement because that somehow devalues the original. So in short, the idea of being adopted into a new family by a new, greater father was pretty confusing. I had conflicting feelings of comfort and discomfort which I was working through.

One day when I was praying, I had a break through. I thought about the concept of adopted families and how their adopted family is called their ‘forever family’, they still have biological parents that are important, they just have something new as well. I realised that God is my forever father. Being adopted into his family does not make my earthly parents any less my parents. I just have another, forever family which I’ve chosen and been chosen for. That was one of the best things I’ve ever realised. I remember that brilliant sense of peace and realisation that came. I can have multiple families that are all helpful and all different and thats okay, as long as I know that God is my forever father.

I’ll always be grateful for this wonderful adoption and everything it has brought.

Getting over you

Getting over you was the hardest, easiest thing I ever had to do

Getting over you took time
Which I knew I had
But people who were new

Getting over you meant that I had to cry
Let everything out
Experience the months of pain
Laughing through it sometimes

Getting over you was waiting for it to be better
Knowing that it already was
Finding a new identity
Somewhere on the cross

Getting over you was complicated
Better and worse all at once
Longing for your comfort
Knowing it wouldn’t come

Getting over you was something I never thought I’d do

But here I am
So much better
The bitterness is leaving
I’m rising up a new

Getting over you was the worst, best thing I’ll ever do

 

Clearing out the cobwebs

Sometimes all I can do is watch BuzzFeed videos. One after another. Every click thinking of what I should be doing. Without the ability to do it.

Sometimes all I want is connection. Desperate to talk to someone. Find a deep connection and be able to bear my soul. Have them understand. It never comes.

Sometimes I feel that I’m in the right place but its all wrong. Wrong university. Wrong attitude. No personality to show.

I once had an identity crisis because I was asked what type of shoe represented me.

Thoughts bounce around in my head

I want to tell someone

Have someone understand

But I need to build a close relationship first

Once thats built, I think, I can have that person

But when I do build, I can’t escape the barriers of expectations

This feeling is not new, I know it well. Like an old friend, who isn’t really a friend at all.

Sometimes, my head is so full, there doesn’t seem to be room for a relationship with God, let alone anyone else.

I’ll go to sleep. When I wake up it’ll all be different, this feeling a memory.

Until the next time.

Demisexual

I guess this is me coming out. I am demisexual. Thats my sexuality. Its not one that is ‘mainstream’ and its not something that many people in my lifeare aware of. A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction to people with whom they have an emotional connection. That means that I don’t experience sexual attraction to many people, definitely not to anyone when we first meet. It does not mean that a person chooses not to have sex until an emotional connection is formed, just that sexual attraction does not occur prior to a connection.

I currently identify as hetero-romantic which means that I am only attracted to romantic relationships with men. This means that I am able to live my life with a certain amount of privilidge. For example, I don’t feel the need to tell my mum or my friends about it and when I am in a relationship I can pass as being straight. That also means it comes with some confusion though. I only discovered that I was this when my ex-boyfriend came out to me as bisexual and I started looking into what sexuality actually was since I found that I lacked a lot of understanding around that area. Finding the label made everything click.

 

Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum, within the community I believe a demisexual is an ace of diamonds which is pretty awesome. The asexual community as a whole is pretty awesome to be honest. Personally, I haven’t engaged much in it myself, I’ve stayed a bit of an observer because I haven’t come across anything that made me really want to get involved, maybe one day.

I decided to make this post just to show another side of myself. As I said before, I don’t really feel the immediate need to come out to anyone really but recently I’ve found myself wanting my close uni friends to know and haven’t worked up the courage to tell them yet. I guess its just another level of knowing me.

Layers

I once thought that when I reached 16 I’d have it all figured out. I’d know how to get rid of all my body hair for good, I’d have a beautiful hairstyle every day and I’d be Grown Up. I’d be a fully formed, perfect person. When I was 16 I thought I’d find it by 18. When I was 18 I started to realise that maybe I’d never get there. A part of me still thought that 21 would be that magic age. Now I’m less than a month off turning 21 and I don’t have anything figured out.

I remember I used to think of my future self as an entirely different person than myself. Particularly before I went to university, I knew that great change was coming and I saw myself then and my future self as completely different people, as if I could look up to my future self and have a relationship with her. Unsurprisingly, I found, after my first year at university, that I felt remarkably similar to the girl who a year a go was dreaming about her future.

At that time, I still had all the important people in my life that I’d thought I’d probably grow out of. I was still the same me that I was before I started university. I was surprised.

I realised that we don’t grow suddenly and quickly become someone new, we just develop layers. At the age I am, I’m still in a transition from teenager to adult. I think I’m nearing the end of the transition but I know that the end of that change won’t be a sudden thing. I won’t wake up one day and find that I’m an adult, yesterday I wasn’t. My teenage self will always be a part of me.

Now I see it more like layers. My 16 year old self is inside of me, along with my 12 year old self and my 5 year old self and every other version of myself I’ve ever been. With experience and change comes layers. I am wholly new and wholly the same all at once because layers have been added. We grow slowly, adding layers upon layers as we move along the journey. I wonder what layers are to come.

What is church?

I’ve been going to church for as long as I can remember, since I was about 3 years old. I’ve only been a Christian for a couple of years. For me, the type of church I go to has a profound effect on whether I experience God or not.

I grew up in the Church of England. Well, I grew up in Sunday school in the Church of England, I very rarely went to actual services. I started going so that I could get into the school attached to the church, I carried on going because my mum didn’t think it was right to just stop once I got in. I have always been quite happy to go, even when I grew out of the Sunday school activities, I just became a helper on the junior church team. Its always been a part of my life. But I never believed. Most of my teenage years I went back and forth, in sixth form settling on “I believe in being a good person” and being pretty comfortable with the not being to sure what was out there. I carried on helping at the creche at the church I’ve gone to all my life, occasionally going to services. That was fine, I was pretty happy.

I found God and truly became a Christian when I was at university and started going to a non-denominational church that was young, vibrant and on the evangelical side of the faith. My journey there was hard and I went following months of unhappiness and with a hope that things would improve. It wasn’t instant. I never had that one moment thats always talked about when you ‘become’ a Christian. It happened slowly, but it happened. Only when I attended the right kind of service and only when I could benefit from it the most.

Now, I’m not an expert, I haven’t been in every kind of church and experienced how every kind of person experiences God but I do know that becoming a Christian happens because of a number of things. I really think that a church that is bold and asks you to make a commitment to God every week is a church that works. Prior to going to somewhere that every person so clearly had their own personal relationship with God, I didn’t know how to do that.

Church is an important thing. Finding the right church for you is perhaps one of the hardest, but definitely one of the best, things that you can do. There’s a lot more to write on this topic, maybe I’ll do a part 2 at some point.

Things unsaid

I want to say I’m sorry
For being a snob sometimes
For all the things I could’ve done
For not being the best me
Sorry for everything I didn’t do, and for some of the things I did

I want to say I miss you
I miss the friendship
Knowing your life just as well as mine
Laughing over nothing
All the inside jokes

I want to say I was disappointed
All that time we didn’t speak
Whenever you forgot
Or made excuses
Expecting more than was given

I want to say I’m angry
That our friendship faded
That you don’t care
That you didn’t try
I’m angry that life changed us

But most of all

I want to say goodbye

Goodbye to what we had
One final thing left unsaid
The one thing taken by the drift apart
The lack of closure
The missed opportunity to say

Thank you
I’m sorry
I was hurt
Good luck
Goodbye