My relationship with my dad is complicated.

At the age of 11 I became fatherless.
In a way.
He died after a year of illness that I knew little about.

My memories of him are not always good,
The devastating thing about his brain cancer,
It changed his personality,
My mum tells me that all his anger, all his frustration,
Fell on to me.

At the age of 20 I realised that I’d built this picture of him as a bad person.
I realised the impact of that last year,
A year I remember so little about,
Though the emotional scars may still be there.

My memories are few but sometimes good.
I know he loved me,
I know that he and my mum laughed,
They were very much in love so he must’ve been pretty great.
I know we hugged and had a relationship.
I wish I could remember how it felt.

At the age of 12 I was covering this hurt,
Big time.
The consequences haunt me now,
But I think thats the only way that I could cope.

I once saw a quote:
“death ends a life, not a relationship”
And I realised that my relationship with my dad was oh so real,
I’m still his child,
Just not the one he knew.

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