Shiny and new

I just bought a laptop.
Its shiny and new,
I can never help myself when it comes to new stuff,
I have to open it and use it,
Immediately.

I knew when I bough it that it didn’t have much memory,
Still I bought it,
I don’t regret it…yet.

It didn’t take long for me to overload it,
Find a fault in it,
The optimistic stage kicked in.
This is the trying to fix it stage,
Or rather the ‘I will fix it’ stage,
Where I become the answer,
It won’t be like this forever,
I’ll find the answer.

Hiding underneath is the pessimist,
Its never going to be as fast as my other one,
I’m not going back,
But I’m not moving forward,
Its all new
Yet all the same,
In a year I might get fed up,
Buy a new one.

I don’t know what I’ll think in a years time,
I’ll probably be used to it,
Might’ve found a solution,
If not I’ll still be complaining.

Maybe I’ll try a new way,
Work with another to find the answer,
Be somewhere different,
Instead of longing to be there.

My new laptop,
I wonder where we will go together,
What sights we will see,
When our relationship ends,
Where will we be?

 

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A letter to my 18 year old self

Hi 18 year old Kathryn,

Its you, only three years older. It feels as if we’re completely different people, I remember not wanting that to happen but I’m glad it did.

Right about now you’re recovering from LeakyCon, or as you’d call it the best weekend of your life. Thats very true to you right now. Today, things are a little different. You don’t want a LeakyCon tattoo anymore and the memories feel very distant. Don’t worry though, they’re still as fond. You’re still in touch with Kristina and Annika, you won’t believe how much they’ve changed, and you’re updated on facebook about the others. I know this sounds scary, but believe me, its all good.

You’re terrified of change and facing a lot of it, its totally understandable. You don’t think you could be happier right now and its so much easier to stay where you are but you’ve got a huge adventure ahead of you. Its not always going to be easy, in fact its going to start off as the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You’ve been through heartbreak and heartache but you understand why. You’ll go through ups and downs that will turn your world upside down, but guess what? You’re happier in yourself than ever before.

I’m sorry to say that you don’t have everything figured out. Those times you set yourself for when you’d know everything didn’t really work. 21 doesn’t feel a huge way off from 18, but it does at the same time. You’re still classed as a young adult, but that feels a bit more comfortable now. You’d never believe how much you’ve done, how many new people you’ve met and how little it matters about those you’ve lost. You’re just starting to learn to be okay with the fact that you’ll always be a work in progress.

I didn’t want to write this to scare you although I know it would have, I just wanted to write this as a tribute to how far we’ve come. There are huge specific things that happen to us that I’ve missed out. I’ve done that because I don’t think they’d happen if you knew about them. Keep going, you’ll get through, and some wonderful things are still to come.

Yours lovingly,

21 year old Kathryn

Forgiveness, can you imagine?

If anyone asks me what my faith is based on, I’d tell them: the love and forgiveness of my heavenly father who has set me free.

Forgiveness. Thats what we receive from Christ. The ultimate forgiveness, setting us free to be and free from so much. Forgiveness that is ours to have and hold, to make us better people.

I don’t understand forgiveness yet. I’m a little bit closer to understanding today than I was last week though. I’ve made a huge step since one of my best friends challenged me, asking “have you forgiven him yet?”.

You see, I thought I’d moved past the hurt of breaking up with the guy I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I thought I was good. For the first time in nearly a year, I reached out to him. I thought it would be okay. It wasn’t. I realised that he wasn’t hurting how I thought he was. He’d moved on and had been moved on for a long time. A spiral started and the next 12 hours were a write off.

During that time was when I was asked if I had forgiven him. I hadn’t. I haven’t got all the way there now. Until last week I believed that forgiveness was for the other person only. Until last week I thought that to forgiveness was letting the other person off the hook. Believe it or not, google taught me otherwise.

According to google, “Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”

What struck me about this definition is that it focuses on the impact on the ‘victim’ rather than the ‘offender’. Thats a totally new way of looking at it for me. Remembering that forgiveness is for me, rather than the other person has transformed the way I think. I’ve always been bad at letting things go but by the grace of God I’ve been able to begin to learn it this week.

I’m not going to claim to understand God in any way shape or form but thanks to a very good friend I’ve been able to follow Jesus more truly by learning to forgive. What better way to bless others while increasing my own blessing from God?