Reflections on who I have become

Last night I got a message from my ex,
Two days before I realised I didn’t know him anymore,
The nostalgia of the relationship nearly got me to reply,
But I’m not going to go there this time.

The path of my life seemed so clear,
The people would all stay there,
In reality I have changed in all ways,
All but those I expected.

I don’t like to plan for the future anymore,
Finding freedom in uncertainty,
Helps me to stay positive,
Yet the unknown is scary still.

Layers upon layers make me up,
Its so easy to revisit who I was,
I’m learning to look back on her with love.

 

My place

At 21 I feel very much in search of my own place. Life as a student is like living in a venn diagram: you exist in two different places, almost simultaneously yet the places shape you automatically.

My place at home is with my mum, in my childhood bed, the house I grew up in and the town I know so well. The more I’m away from this place, the more it feels mine. Its not somewhere that feels like forever, but that doesn’t stop it feeling like home, intrinsicly a part of me everywhere I go.

My place as a student has changed. First it was in Lincoln. It took 3 years for me to find my place there, my place came with the people I met. I only found my place when I found my faith and when a network of friends developed around. It was never permenant, only mine for three years, but it’s the place of so many people I’ve loved and its always in my heart.

My place as a masters student is in development. I feel more at home in this place than ever before, in my corner of the country yet still so new. For the first time in this place I’ve found a church that fits, feels like home and I can settle into. This place is bringing huge challenges, highs and lows shared with new people who are becoming a part of me. This place has two years to be adopted within me, then I may move on.

I have a vision of my place in the future: close and far at the same time. Somewhere that I can settle, make my own over the years. My place will be linked to so many other people’s places, found through this. My place may change a few times, maybe more, maybe I’ll get so used to change, I’ll no longer recognise myself. I trust that I will be shown my place at just the right time.

Inspired by : Discover Challenge: Finding Your Place

Dear Carlisle

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You’re a quiet little city,
That seems to be my thing now.
You’re full of history and nature,
New meets old can be confusing.
You have the cold and the rain,
Northern landmarks you’ve made sure I know.
You don’t have a very exciting town centre,
I sometimes want to get away to the big city shopping.
Most of the people I live with hate it here,
Small city life kind of suits me.

You came alive today,
Full of friendly faces and welcoming smiles,
I was serving to help make you beautiful,
Finding the smiles and the fun on a cold winter day.

Carlisle,
You’re not the best,
But I’d say I’ve found a home serving with Vineyard to see you smile.