Reflections on who I have become

Last night I got a message from my ex,
Two days before I realised I didn’t know him anymore,
The nostalgia of the relationship nearly got me to reply,
But I’m not going to go there this time.

The path of my life seemed so clear,
The people would all stay there,
In reality I have changed in all ways,
All but those I expected.

I don’t like to plan for the future anymore,
Finding freedom in uncertainty,
Helps me to stay positive,
Yet the unknown is scary still.

Layers upon layers make me up,
Its so easy to revisit who I was,
I’m learning to look back on her with love.

 

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Dear Carlisle

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You’re a quiet little city,
That seems to be my thing now.
You’re full of history and nature,
New meets old can be confusing.
You have the cold and the rain,
Northern landmarks you’ve made sure I know.
You don’t have a very exciting town centre,
I sometimes want to get away to the big city shopping.
Most of the people I live with hate it here,
Small city life kind of suits me.

You came alive today,
Full of friendly faces and welcoming smiles,
I was serving to help make you beautiful,
Finding the smiles and the fun on a cold winter day.

Carlisle,
You’re not the best,
But I’d say I’ve found a home serving with Vineyard to see you smile.

Underneath

Here are my deepest thoughts,
The ones reserved only for me.

Here are my fears, my worries,
No one else really gets to see.

Here is what I feel, how I really think,
The words pour out when I need it.

Here are the parts of me I wish people knew,
They’re also the parts I refuse to show.

A Poem of Praise

Lord,
I know not what is ahead,
I walk towards your plan,
Light the path in front, I pray.

Wondering not wandering,
For you have gone before,
My heart looks for you.

Creeping all around me,
Your love seeps on through,
Though I feel so lonely,
Your provision never fails.

Even in the darkness,
When I feel lost and unknown,
You pull me closer day by day.

I’ve never needed more,
You give me food and shelter,
Connections you are forming,
I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

Mind My Eczema

“The most important thing is to moisturise”

If only she knew,
That I moisturise,
Every day,
Every hour.

If only she knew,
That my hands decided they didn’t like this moisturiser,
Or that one,
Maybe this one,
But not in that form.

If only she knew,
The emotions every time I’m given a new cream,
The hope,
Maybe this one will be the miracle,
The fear,
What if it causes more problems?
The lack of a stable treatment I’ve faced for years.

If only she knew,
That my hands slide off everything,
My grip is non-existent,
The thick ointment is the only one that works,
Only it doesn’t work for function.

If only she knew,
How much I hate being like this,
The embarrassment of it,
The insecurity,
Wishing for normality.

If only she knew,
That the ‘experts’ don’t help,
Just tell me I have to live with it,
Shrug it off like its nothing,
As if I’m not the expert of my own body.

If only she knew just how hard it is living with eczema,
Maybe then she wouldn’t of had a crying mess in her office.
A 5 minute blood test turned a 50 minute discussion.

If only they knew,
That having eczema isn’t just dry skin,
Its cuts appearing when I think I’ve got it cracked,
Its never knowing if something new is going to help,
Or send me into another cycle of itchiness and discomfort.

If only I knew how to accept this,
Adaptation and acceptance,
The advice I’d give anyone else,
I just can’t seem to find it for myself.

Breakthrough

Yesterday I realised how far I’ve come,
From the brokenhearted girl who cried so often,
To the person starting this new adventure with no fear.

Yesterday I realised that things have changed,
So much in the opposite of my once upon a time wishes,
Shape shifting into a new person,
New dreams,
New possibilities.

Yesterday I realised that the breakthrough  wasn’t sudden,
The breakthrough was laughter,
Building up until it overcame the tears,
The breakthrough was time,
Building a new life from scratch.

Sometimes breakthroughs happen so slowly that you don’t know its happening.

Daily Prompt: Breakthrough

In the water

 

I look towards the water,
My destination clear,
Edging towards the moment,
The plan goes on from here.

Its so big and scary,
The unknown ahead of me,
I can see the surface,
The specifics not so clear.

I have to move towards it,
Suddenly I’m in,
No safety of a life jacket,
A new adventure to begin.

 

Now I’m here its better,
Less variables uncontrolled,
Still I’m in the process,
Of making it my own.

Swimming is exhausting,
Treading water is a chore,
I have to keep on going,
Until I reach the shore.

Painting with light

It started with darkness.
Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty comfortable,
When I was there it didn’t feel huge,
Looking back I see that it was.

I made a choice.
A step into a room,
Leading to a step into a building,
Leading to a slow chain of decisions,
An invitation for the light to come in.

It happened slowly,
Slowly but surely a masterpiece began,
Light pushed some darkness away,
The creator took over.

He’s working on his painting,
Crafting the light in just the right places at just the right times,

I’m learning to surrender comfort for love,
A work in progress can be just as beautiful as the finished product.

Shiny and new

I just bought a laptop.
Its shiny and new,
I can never help myself when it comes to new stuff,
I have to open it and use it,
Immediately.

I knew when I bough it that it didn’t have much memory,
Still I bought it,
I don’t regret it…yet.

It didn’t take long for me to overload it,
Find a fault in it,
The optimistic stage kicked in.
This is the trying to fix it stage,
Or rather the ‘I will fix it’ stage,
Where I become the answer,
It won’t be like this forever,
I’ll find the answer.

Hiding underneath is the pessimist,
Its never going to be as fast as my other one,
I’m not going back,
But I’m not moving forward,
Its all new
Yet all the same,
In a year I might get fed up,
Buy a new one.

I don’t know what I’ll think in a years time,
I’ll probably be used to it,
Might’ve found a solution,
If not I’ll still be complaining.

Maybe I’ll try a new way,
Work with another to find the answer,
Be somewhere different,
Instead of longing to be there.

My new laptop,
I wonder where we will go together,
What sights we will see,
When our relationship ends,
Where will we be?